Tired? It’s okay that you don’t know how to take care of yourself right now. Can you imagine if someone else could do that for you so you can have a moment of peace? I remember feeling like if I just had a break from myself, I could get better. I just needed a break. A break from the constant haunting feeling of having to give in to the eating disorder behaviors to feel okay, even if it was just for a brief second. The negative thinking and the inner pain just cannot be explained.
I chose one day to let go and trust the professionals. Surprisingly, it felt like a relief more than like a nightmare. Someone was saving me from me, and that felt good. I had eating disorder specialists decide when and how much I was going to eat — that lifted my guilt. I couldn’t judge how I was overeating or undereating and if I didn’t deserve to eat. I just had to eat.
I remember the first meal: I drank my water too fast, and I learned that I was only allowed so many cups of water at a time. I hadn’t even noticed that I was feeling uncomfortable with having food and tasting food in my mouth. I had lived so long within my head and constantly felt ashamed that I had desires to eat and that I enjoyed food. How dare I not even notice my thoughts in that moment?
But when you are in treatment you get to know how the eating disorder has affected your body, and guess what? It is not as bad as you think it is. You haven’t gone too far. You can still heal. You will heal. That is what is amazing about our bodies. We hate them, but they don’t hate us. You have a BFF waiting for you to reciprocate — pulling you through until you take the step to help yourself. The best thing about treatment is that you get a glimpse into what it is like to be away from the eating disorder. The challenging part is that you have FEELINGS that are ready to be released! So many feelings: anger, sadness, anxiety, happiness, confusion and much, much more. Within all of this, you are finding yourself in all of the chaos, within a safe place and surrounded by professionals dedicated to your recovery. You will learn that you are smart, funny, complex, intense, sensitive, and now you can have a chance to be all of those things that make you, you. A moment to silence the negative thoughts and to learn and validate why you needed the eating disorder during a difficult time in your life.
Now the question is, what do you want to do? How do you make all of the dreams you desire to accomplish come true? Because you can. You were smart enough to use the eating disorder to save and protect you at a time that was necessary, and now that it isn’t working, your SELF is ready to shine.